oots


Elan does his best impersonation of Mel Gibson. He fails.

Cast

Transcript

Panel 1, Page 1

Belkar: How did you ever get so many Potions of Heroism?
Vaarsuvius: Do not ask.
Sangwaan: Sir, the enemy will be within sight in about an hour.
Hinjo: Good. This waiting is just making everyone tense.
Elan: Awww, come on Roy! You didn't let me do a preparation montage, you have to at LEAST let me do the big pre-battle speech!
Roy: No. No way, no how. Just no.

Panel 2, Page 1

Elan: But it's bardic rite of passage.
Roy: Well, you will have to pass your bardic through some other rite, then.

Panel 3, Page 1

Elan: I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm just going to have to go over your head on this one.
Roy: How can you go over my head? I'm the leader—

Panel 4, Page 1

Elan: Hinjo, can I give a rousing pre-battle speech to the troops? Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar on top???
Hinjo: Sure.

Panel 5, Page 1

Elan: HA!

Panel 6, Page 1

Roy: Fine, as long as no one comes crying to me when—
Elan walks off stage left.

Panel 7, Page 1

Elan leans back into the panel.
Elan: HA!

Panel 8, Page 1

Elan climbs a ladder to the parapet of the Azure City outer wall.
Haley: Good luck, honey!
Elan: Thanks!
Elan: I have a really good feeling.

Panel 9, Page 1

Elan walks along the crenelated parapet speaking to the troops.
Elan: Friends, Azurites, countrymen, lend me your ears. Not literally, because ewww. I mean, that would be disgusting.
Elan: And messy. And since you'd just be lending them, we'd have to figure out how to reattach them all, and that'd be a lot of work.

Panel 10, Page 1

Elan: Today, we stand here on the wall, preparing to defend this city from the forces of evil. And probably chaos, too.

Panel 11, Page 1

Elan: We few, we happy few, we band of brothers. And sisters. Definitely also sisters, they are part of the band too. I think they play the drums.

Panel 12, Page 1

More soldiers begin to gather around Elan as his speech becomes more rousing.
Elan: A day may come when the courage of men (and women) fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day.
Elan: And if the battle lasts through tomorrow, it's not that day either.
Elan: It may or may not be the day after that, I'm not sure. Still to early to tell.

Panel 1, Page 2

Elan: But in case it's not that day, or it is that day, but the battle is already over so it doesn't matter, I want you to remember this:

Panel 2, Page 2

Elan: No one ever won a war by dying for their country. They won by making the other guy die for his country. Which still applies even though hobgoblins don't live in countries.
Elan: They live in caves, I think. So make them die for their caves. Which, admittedly, sounds a lot less heroic than dying for your country.

Panel 3, Page 2

Elan mounts the crenelations to speak over the growing crowd of soldiers.
Elan: But today will be the day when Azure City declared in one voice, "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!"
Elan: And the fact that it rhymes does not make it any less true!

Panel 4, Page 2

Elan: We'll stand here together and tell our enemies that they may take our lives...
Elan: But they will never take our freedom!

Panel 5, Page 2

The frame zooms back to show hundreds of cheering Azure City soldiers.
Soldiers (variously): Wooooo! Yeah! Let's go!! Huzzah! Freedom! HUZZAH!! Azure City! For Shojo! Kickass! Yaaay! Go Team! Azure City! Wooooo! Let's Do this! We're #1! YES!! Yeah! Hooray! Wooooo! Go Elan! Wooooo! Hooray! Huzzah!

Panel 6, Page 2

Elan: Unless...
Elan: Unless they kill us, then animate our dead corpses as zombies to fight for them.
Elan: Then I suppose they've taken our lives, AND our freedom.

Panel 7, Page 2

beat

Panel 8, Page 2

Close up of several soldiers variously upset, angry, and frightened. One female soldier is crying.

Panel 9, Page 2

Elan (singing): Fight, fight, fight, fight the—
Soldier: You suck!

D&D Context

Trivia

External Links