Terrible, horrible, grisly, no good, very bad blood sport deathmatch between... Mr. Scruffy... and a 1st level Commoner
Cast
- Haley Starshine ◀ ▶
- Elan ◀ ▶
- Belkar Bitterleaf ◀ ▶
- Vaarsuvius ◀ ▶
- Mr. Scruffy ◀ ▶
- Blackwing ◀ ▶
- Tarquin ◀ ▶
- Polozius ◀ ▶
- Bloodfeast the Extreme-inator ◀ ▶
- Evisceratus ◀ ▶
- Two soldiers of the Empire of Blood
- A Crowd of Spectators
Transcript
- Panel 1
One of the guards hands a dagger to Belkar, while the other hands a scimitar to Eviceratus.
Guard: Here's your weapon, halfling.
Belkar: Just one? Are you going through some sort of crippling rusty blade shortage around here?
- Panel 2
Elan: Oh my gods! Haley, look, it's—
Haley: A halfling we've never seen before.
Elan: Well, I hope that halfling we've never seen before can stay safe and we can meet up with him later to finish our quest together.
Haley: *sigh*
- Panel 3
Belkar: Wait—Are you sure I'm allowed to kill this guy?
Evisceratus: Only if you can beat me!
- Panel 4
Mr. Scruffy is pulling on his string, meowing incessantly.
Mr. Scruffy: Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!
Blackwing: Vaarsuvius, I think the cat thinks the arena is a giant litter box.
Vaarsuvius isn't paying attention.
Blackwing: Vaarsuvius!
- Panel 5
Belkar: Because normally, when I kill people, everyone gets bent out of shape about it.
Belkar blocks Eviceratus's strike with a "clang!", without even looking.
Evisceratus: Come on, fight!
- Panel 6
Belkar: And I don't think any of us wants to go through a whole 'nother, "Belkar sorta gets punished, but not really," subplot, you know?
Belkar backflips, causing Eviceratus's swing to miss with a "woosh!"
Evisceratus: Stand still, damn you, and fight!
- Panel 7
The string holding Mr. Scruffy finally snaps, "snap!"
Blackwing: Uh oh.
Mr. Scruffy: Meow!
- Panel 8
Mr. Scruffy jumps down into the arena...
- Panel 9
Then springs past Belkar and Evisceratus, and leaves a scratch across Evisceratus's midsection with a "schash!"
- Panel 10
Evisceratus: That was weird.
Evisceratus: Anyway, let's finish this fi—
- Panel 11
Evisceratus's intestines fall out of his stomach, "splop!"
Evisceratus: —ght.
- Panel 12
Evisceratus begins to fall.
Evisceratus: Damn it... I was only 10 XP away...
Evisceratus: ...from my second level of Commoner.
- Panel 13
Evisceratus drops dead, and Belkar walks away.
D&D Context
- Commoner is an NPC class, which are weaker than PC classes. Even for NPC classes Commoner is weak; with only 1d4 hit points at first level, he could be killed by a cat scratch. It takes 1000 Experience Points (XP) to reach 2nd level, so Evisceratus was 99% of the way to 2nd level.
- The primary joke of the comic is a reference to an old argument involving the 3rd Edition rules: attacks are incapable of dealing less than 1 damage, unless they are meant to be nonlethal or the foe has Damage Reduction, and 1st-level characters often have maximum hit points in the single digits. For this reason, a common housecat's claws could indeed deal significant damage to a character with low Hit Dice like a Commoner. What is more, since the cat has high Dexterity and is much smaller than most humanoids, it is likely to win initiative and hit its attacks, while its opponent may struggle to hit it back. This means that a fight between a housecat and a 1st-level Commoner (the typical statline given to a civilian) will very frequently end in the cat's victory.
Trivia
- Evisceratus, the name of the gladiator, means "the disemboweled" in Latin, and he earns his name in his death.
- Belkar was punished for his crimes against Azure City by Shojo with the Greater Mark of Justice just prior to #294 (which was activated in #568), as well as by Hinjo with a year in prison that he never served in #420